TMI: Real Life
I’ve been meaning to write a post for awhile, but it gets stopped by my life every time I start. I want to be elegant and heartfelt, but to be honest I’m not in the mood. I’m in a corner of my kitchen with a dehydration headache because I can’t find my water bottle that my two-year-old carried off again, she’s hanging on my arm wanting me to give her the ceramic bird that daddy took away, my little guy is wanting to be nursed (which I’ll be doing after I finish this sentence), I have dishes surrounding me, and my husband’s sad lunch is accusing me of not having cooked anything in a long while. I’m tired from being up last night with my sick two year old AND my two-month old and today’s list is staring me in the face. I know that I won’t get even a quarter of that done before calling it quits and heading to bed. I don’t have the energy for a lot of things right now.
I logged onto Facebook this morning and the time hop picture from a year ago showed a cute little girl in a semi-clean house sitting in a doll stroller reading a too big for her book. Last week, it was her on our kitchen counter smeared with peanut butter. They make me sad and nostalgic. Where did my little girl go? How’d she get so big? Why can’t a remember how small she use to be? That leads to the guilt ridden questions: Have I taught her enough? Do I spend enough time with her? Am I good mom? Is the reason she isn’t talking yet have to do with the fact that I don’t read to her enough? When is the last time we went outside? Why can’t I seem to get my act together and be super mom?
I couldn’t tell you what I do most days. Survive? The little things can’t be put on a to do list to be crossed off. When did anyone put wipe a nose for the hundredth time or find her “baby” on a to do list? I’m busy in ways that I can’t put into words when my husband asks how my day went. I spend a lot of time on the couch half-naked trying to nurse an upset little guy while surfing the internet on my phone. How do I say that I had the time to watch 3 episodes of Flash today but I didn’t clean the bathrooms again, edit that session that’s been waiting a week, or manage to find the energy to cook a healthy dinner? I hate looking down at the rolls and cellulite that have appeared from being two-months postpartum and try not to remind myself that 3 months postpartum with Charlee Ann I was down 10 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. I live in spit-up covered shirts and stretchy pants, and all my cute clothes are in a box in the basement because I cry every time I see them in my closet.
The other day a client was picking up her photos and I realized I was lactating through my shirt. Face palm
I was an art teacher before I became a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I loved my job. Getting showered, dressed, and ready everyday, lesson planning, talking with the students and other teachers– it was a predictable job that I did well. I prided myself on giving 100%. I miss it. I miss old me. A LOT.
This is what motherhood did to me. Motherhood turned me into someone else. Someone who, on most days, I don’t recognize. Motherhood took the former me and shook her up a bit. Rocked the ground on which she once stood. Motherhood made me a messy-house-dwelling, over-weight, pizza-eating homebody who would trade getting all dolled up and a night out on the town for sweatpants and a movie and holding her baby. Motherhood gave me the biggest guilts of my life, changed my body, and my spirit– mostly in really good ways.I wouldn’t trade it. I wouldn’t want to leave my children with anyone else. I love the kisses, the hugs, the yelling of my name when she discovers something new, the smiles that are just for me. I love being mom.
My 366 project died. My blogging 3 times a week died. My kids though, they are still alive! And I dare say that they seem pretty happy with me and life in general. Today, I’m going to take that as a big accomplishment.
And the number of times I got interrupted writing this post: 13. It’s amazing it still makes sense.
Sidenote: This post in no way reflects negatively on my husband. He is beyond helpful and supporting. We are crazy in love!