Week 3 | Project 366
I’m 40 weeks pregnant. The waiting game is getting tough. I feel like my life, photography, ambitions, goals, everything is on hold until our Mr. E arrives. I’m tired.
There is this constant guilt that I deal with. I am so grateful for my body. For the health and ability it has to be able to carry a child when I know so many others who struggle with infertility. I have no right to complain but my body is not the one I’m use to seeing. I struggle looking into the mirror everyday and not hating myself. I hurt. I ache. I’m feeling done.
My body had a beautiful girl 2 years ago and now we are waiting, waiting, waiting for this little guy. I have scoliosis. I have cellulite on my legs and butt, my fingernail polish is chipping, and I don’t have any underwear that fits. My boobs don’t hang the way they used to, I have what most people refer to as “back fat”, and what is this thigh gap I keep hearing about? My face is puffy, full of zits, and can I admit that the hormones are making me grow some really unsightly chin hair? I can’t sleep without pain at night. It takes me 20 minutes just to try and get my legs from spasming out. And then my hands fall asleep. Then I have to pee. I can’t bend over without a lot of noises. I gained a lot more weight and much faster than the first time around, but I hear that’s normal. It’s hard to breathe. I swear my ribs are coming apart.
I cry for no reason.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs. A week ago..maybe? My eyebrows could use a wax, my swollen fingers keep me from wearing my wedding ring (I hate that), and everything is getting bigger.
This is my body. I want to say I hate it. There is a lot to hate about it. But then she gives me a hug and I can’t help but feel anything but grateful for this body.
20/366 MY BODY
Week 1 Here
Week 2 Here
** About cover photo: Charlee is very concerned about feeding me and is always offering me her food. I’m not allowed to refuse or she gets really upset. Toddlers and their apples.